It’s Just Depression
Written by a suicide attempt survivor who wishes to remain anonymous
July 24, 2014
I feel like I’m suffocating and can hardly breath. I know I shouldn’t kill myself and probably don’t have the guts to do it anyway, but I want to die so badly. The only thing that helps me calm down even a little is punching the shit out of my own arm. Why do I want to kill myself? Life sucks. More scientifically, I’m clinically depressed. I know lots of people have it worse than I do. I feel guilty for being so depressed when I live in the U.S. and am in college and am not going hungry. I still want to die. My life sucks. I can’t breath. I’ve got to calm down. I’ll punch my arm again… It sends a tingling sensation down my arm to my fingers, and then it starts hurting. Somehow the physical pain helps me focus on reality… Not so much on what’s in my head. God I’m a head case. I know there are starving kids in Africa, I know I’m luckier than a lot of people in the world, but that doesn’t make me want to live… And my life still sucks.
What sucks so much? Well, I have no friends – zero. And I’m not just saying that because I’m suicidal and feeling sorry for myself. There really isn’t one person who would help me right now… I know because I’ve asked. Okay, I hinted; I didn’t actually come right out and ask. Not this time at least. But ever since I was a kid I’ve learned not to ask for help… You don’t get it. Okay, you rarely get it. But even when you do get it there are strings attached, so it’s best to not accept it even if someone offers to help you. My parents taught me that. It really sucks to have parents that won’t help you. Just today I had to pay some of my own medical expenses. I’m 20 and in school full time, no job to speak of (just a few hundred a month doing what work I can), they don’t pay a cent toward my school, they make about 60 grand a year, it’s just the two of them since I don’t have any younger siblings, they have no mortgage and no car payment, no credit card debt, they don’t give all their money away to charity, honestly, I have no idea where it all goes. They act like they can’t afford to help me and that they do all they can for me… They don’t. When I first went to college I realized that other parents do help their kids – even when it’s difficult for them to do so. I know a girl whose mom had to quit her job after she was diagnosed with cancer. They had a lot of medical bills and were down to one income, but they still paid a little bit toward her tuition and made sure she had food. You know what my mom told me when I said I couldn’t really afford much food? “You can eat in the summer.” That sucks. And yeah I haven’t gone hungry so far, and I know there are lots of people who do go hungry, but there are times when I’m not sure if I’ll be eating every day. And there have been times when I’ve gone a few weeks on one meal a day to make my money last. And my parents could have helped, but they chose not to. So my parents suck and I have no friends.
My dog died and that really sucks. He was old and sick and it was a year ago, but it still sucks. He was the only friend I’ve ever had. I didn’t treat him as good as I should have either. I got mad at him for stupid reasons sometimes, but he always loved me and I always knew it. I miss him. I used to talk to him and he would comfort me and lick my tears when I cried. So my dog is dead, my parents are jerks, and I have no friends.
Also, in case it isn’t clear, I’m dirt poor. I can barely feed myself let alone go to the doctor or pay school bills. That’s really terrifying, to know you might have to go hungry and that no one will help you. And I really need to go to the doctor… Actually, I need to go to several doctors. Half the things I eat make me sick to the point where I can’t eat for a day. I’m not really sure what that’s about, but sometime I’ll drop like 12+ pounds in just two weeks because I can’t really eat anything. I’m supposed to get my first Pap smear and pelvic exam soon but that’s probably not going to happen. I also have chronic back and knee pain and my back and knees will give out sometimes, so I need X-rays, MRIs, and physical therapy. But I can’t afford that even with insurance, and my parents are too cheep to pay for healthcare… Unless it’s their healthcare of course. I just found out I have high cholesterol too, which is concerning because I don’t eat fatty foods, I get exercise, and I’m not overweight. I also have skin problems which are ugly, but at least they can’t kill me. So, I’m 20 years old and have the health of a 50-year-old, I have major financial problems, my dog died, my parents are creeps, and I have no friends.
That’s why my life sucks. I know other people are worse off. Lots of people are starving, have no health insurance, and have parents who beat them every night. I know I should be happier and more grateful. It’s just the depression talking; just a chemical imbalance in my brain. But objectively, doesn’t my life still kind of suck? Maybe it’s not so bad that I should off myself, but it’s not awesome. My parents really are greedy, selfish, misers, my dog isn’t coming back to life, I’m not overly healthy, money isn’t going to get any easier to come by, and I honestly have zero friends (granted I tend to isolate myself and close people off so I guess it’s partly my fault… It still sucks though). So, can’t I be sad? Isn’t all of that at least a little depressing? I know my pain is emphasized, maximized, and prolonged by my medical condition of depression, but I don’t see how anyone could be truly happy in my situation. Where is the line between clinical depressed and simply realizing your life isn’t all that great right now? Is it not alright to say “This sucks. This hurts” just because there are other people who have it worse?
If you are depressed and feeling suicidal, please know you are not alone and that help is out there. Depression is a medical condition that effects millions; it is not something to hide or be ashamed of. If you are having suicidal thoughts and live in the United States please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255); Y para ayuda en Espanol: 1-888-628-9454. You can also visit the National Suicide Prevention website for more resources: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. If you live outside the United States, visit http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres for a list of internaltional crisis centers. Help is out there, and there is no shame in taking it.